Siblings

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Each member of your family will experience this loss, each in their own way. Your other child(ren)’s response may not be quite like your own. Parents very often feel pressure to manage the normal responsibilities of parenting their other children while tending to their own grief. It’s a lot to manage. Although children can be very resilient, how well parents cope with the loss of their child has a direct impact on how well the siblings will fare over time. And you may find that the more you see the siblings doing well, the more comforted and confident you will feel.

Your Team:

Psychologist

A mental health professional who uses therapy and other strategies to support coping and adjustment and treat concerns regarding social, emotional, or behavioral functioning.

Social Worker

A trained professional who works with people, groups and communities to help them better their lives.

Chaplain

A member of the clergy who is responsible for the religious needs of an organization and/or its constituents.

Spiritual Leader

An individual who leads and/or guides individuals or groups coping with life experience and challenges.

Grief Counselor

A mental health professional who specializes in bereavement and loss.

Palliative Care Clinician

A specialist whose aim is to improve the quality of life of their patients over the course of their illness regardless of stage, by relieving pain and other symptoms of that illness.

Primary Physician

A medical professional who practices general medicine.

Nurse

A person trained to care for the sick, especially in a hospital.

Guidance Counselor

A person who gives help and advice to students about educational and personal decisions.

Teacher

An educator.

A psychologist, social worker, chaplain and/or spiritual leader can provide a safe space for siblings to talk and share their feelings. A grief counselor can help process strong emotions. Palliative care clinicians and child-life specialists can offer age-appropriate ways of talking with siblings and facilitate special moments and memory-making. Your child’s primary physician can offer a deeper understanding of the family. A school nurse, guidance counselor, or teacher can provide support. Connection to other families that have lost a child can be helpful.

Every individual experiences loss, and this includes even the youngest children. Their sense of what life is “supposed” to be like has changed. Developmental stage, cognitive level, life experiences, losses in the past, and other exposure to death may influence a child’s understanding. Parenting may feel like an extraordinary burden, especially when you yourself are grieving. As a practical matter, you can use your understanding of how children perceive and react to death for approaching this subject and supporting siblings in ways that are developmentally appropriate and helpful. The Courageous Parents Network guide “Parenting the Surviving Siblings” is a comprehensive resource for navigating the sensitive issues that may arise.

Understanding that each child develops differently, here are some general guidelines for how children grieve at different stages:

Infants have no cognitive understanding of death, but they do grieve. They may experience death as separation, and often sense a caregiver’s emotional state. There may be changes in their eating, sleeping or other behaviors. It is important to maintain routines and avoid separation when possible.
Preschool children (ages 2-5) see death as temporary and reversible. Magical thinking (around age 5) starts around this age, and so children may believe that a death is the result of something they did or didn’t do, or that they somehow caused the death.
Children ages 6-9, like younger children are concrete thinkers. They still do not understand that death is permanent. They may worry that it will happen to them or to someone else they know.
Children ages 9-11 remain concrete thinkers. They have some capacity to put themselves in other people’s shoes and may have a sense that others can die.
Around age 12, children begin to have abstract thinking and come to understand that death is final, irreversible, and will happen to everyone.
Adolescence has many phases and each phase may bring with it different responses.

“I was in a therapy session earlier this year and was prompted with the question, how much weight does the grief of Lauren’s death carry? I compared my grief to lava flowing from a volcano. In the immediate months and years, the lava was molten and completely volatile. The anger, depression, and numbness of loss were white hot and I burned myself and the relationships around me. … My grief has changed. I can talk at length about the joy and kindness Lauren brought into the world just as much as a minute-by-minute run through of her final hours. My relationship to grief has shifted from being a burden to an appreciation and quiet respect for how far I’ve come in my journey.“

– Connor, sibling of Lauren

How Grief Shows Up in Children

Children’s reactions to stressful situations commonly include behavior changes. Very young children may regress in their toilet training or have tantrums. Older children may appear sullen and withdrawn or angry and aggressive (or all of these). Their sleep habits may change. Any or all children may become highly anxious and fear separation from parents or caregivers they trust. If you are concerned, ask the care team to help support your family.

Enlisting Helpers

It is also extremely helpful to make others in the siblings’ community—especially teachers, friends’ parents, and, if relevant, their faith community—aware of what is happening at home. This will prepare them to anticipate and understand changes in the child’s behavior . Let other adults know how you are responding so that they can be consistent and supportive.

Keeping the Dialogue Open

As with adults, no sibling will ever be truly prepared for the death, and each will handle their loss in their own way. By keeping dialogue open and providing space and opportunities for honest connection along the way, you can help your child better understand their own experience and their own grief. This understanding may help them heal and reinforce the unique and special relationship they had and will continue to have with their sibling.

As has always been true along this journey, it is vitally important that you care for yourself. Remaining strong and resilient, emotionally and physically, is a gift both to you and for the others who not only need you but love you and care for you.